I'm 30, and These Are The Things I'm Embarrassed to Admit

Hi friends! I saw a trend on Instagram where people are sharing their age and the things they're embarrassed to admit. So here's mine. It's kind of an updated version of the previous blogs (see below). I hope you enjoy this post!

Related Blog Posts:

• Things I find embarrassing for no reason (3 min read)

• Things I'm embarrassed to admit (5 min read)

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I'm 30, and These Are The Things I'm Embarrassed to Admit

• That I don't know what my purpose in life is yet. Am I on the right path? Am I going to be successful and happy?

• That with the suspected POTS diagnosis/potential blood disorder, I don't have the same energy levels as I used to. I'm also not very good at pacing, and I worry that I disappoint people a lot, especially if I cancel at the last minute or need to reschedule.

• Of how bad my mental health is right now. I've been struggling a lot more than normal with my OCD, cPTSD, anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Yes, I have a therapist who is helpful, and we do CBT, EMDR, and ERP. It's a lot, and all I can say is that I'm trying.

• How much weight I've gained. It's most likely to do with something medical, but right now, I am ashamed of my body. I am finding it incredibly difficult to love myself when people are saying to me, "You're overweight, you must binge eat," or "You are overweight, you'll die from high cholesterol". In the past, I've always had positive self-esteem with my body image, and I think I have a healthy relationship with food and eat quite healthily. I'm now scared of developing an ED.

• My student loan is still HUGE, and I feel so behind not having paid it off. Will I ever get that "Australian/Kiwi" dream of owning a house?

• A lot of days, I feel like a burden.

• I still have an irrational fear of drive-thrus.

• When I was younger, I would play Scrabble by myself as a way to entertain myself and learn how to get better scores, but I think I was pretty lonely.

• My blog and my content creation journey - it's not perfect, but it's not failing either. I get a lot of comments of "that's stupid", "that's not a real job", and it's disheartening when you put so much work into something.

• Once, my social media accounts were hacked by someone close to me, and I was too ignorant to realise what was happening in real time, even though all the signs were there.

• That I think about the past a lot. I am grieving who I used to be. I just want to be happy and healthy.

• The smell of Vicks VapoRub calms my nervous system.

• I carry emergency "lollies" that are full of electrolytes if I start struggling on a walk.

• That I've failed multiple things in life: my last year of high school, a couple of assignments in first year uni, and my licence (and yet, here I am with a full licence in two countries, can drive a manual, flourished at uni, and have a Masters Degree). So, why don't I feel good enough? Is it because I never got to PhD level?

• That I don't really like being touched by people, I used to be super touchy, so people accused me of flirting with everyone when I wasn't, and now I flinch when I get touched, and I just don't wanna be touched (hugs are usually okay if it's a greeting).

• That I don't have that urge to have kids or get married. Does this mean something is wrong with me?

• That I still struggle with criticism, both constructive and non-constructive. I take it on, but a lot of the time, my nervous system thinks I am being attacked.

• That I still get homesick.

• That I sleep with a wheat bag most nights as a way to calm my IBS tummy and feel safe.

Can you relate to any of these? Let me know so I know I'm not alone.

Ash xx