Unsolicited Advice: Why I Hate It!

Let's just get this out of the way, shall we? I didn't ask, they didn't ask, and neither did the other person you're telling what to do.

Unsolicited advice has a very unique way of wrapping things up in a neat little box or bow and calling it "help".  It usually shows up uninvited, like that one family member who always critiques your life choices while casually raiding your fridge and pantry. And honestly? I’m over it. It shows up in ways that I never thought were possible.

This blog post is a dedicated rant on why I hate unsolicited advice. Please enjoy.

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Unsolicited Advice: Why I Hate It!

• Unsolicited advice isn't about helping, it comes across as controlling. Often, when you're trying to support someone and you give them advice that wasn't asked for, it's like you're asserting what YOU think is right. It's like bluntly saying "I know better than you" without actually saying those words. Advice without context isn't empowering, it's like peer pressure. When someone is given unsolicited advice, they feel like they're being questioned and that they must go on the defensive. The person you are giving the advice to might have been perfectly happy 5 minutes ago, and now they're having to explain themselves and their life choices just because you've chosen to give them a lecture on them.

• Personal growth can be undermined. When someone figures something out on their own, they learn something new, or they make a mistake and then try and try again, it's empowering. To me, learning = evolving as a human. Unsolicited advice shortcuts that process. It says, “Don’t bother learning, I’ve already decided what you should do.” And where’s the fun (or the growth) in that? Also, let’s be real - half the time, the advice doesn’t even make sense in the context of your life. People project. They give advice based on their fears, their regrets, their experience, which isn’t your experience.

• It may be genuine concern by the other person, but often this comes across as criticism and not constructive criticism. For example: "You should do X," "Have you tried XYZ?", "If I were you, X is what I'd do". To relate this back to me, I often get things like "Oh you need more probiotics", "You should eat this food", "Why don't you try yoga?" Yes, I eat probiotics, yes I've tried that food and it HURTS my stomach and yes I've tried yoga. Most of the time, the advice you're giving has already been tried. But such phrases aren't landing as genuine concern, they're landing as criticism wrapped in faux compassion. People just want to be heard - sometimes we just want to rant about something without you telling us what to do to fix it. There is a time and place for advice, and that's usually when the person goes "What's your take?" or "Can you offer any suggestions on what I should do?"

• Boundaries are important, and we shouldn't disrespect people's boundaries (unless required, like someone is trying to hurt you, as an example). Respecting someone’s autonomy means trusting them to ask for guidance when they want it and to handle things in their own way when they don’t. If you’re sharing advice because you genuinely care, awesome. Just ask first. “Do you want my thoughts or do you just need to vent?” That one question can change everything. I have a great friend who asks this, and it makes me feel respected, validated, and cared about. I've even started doing this more to my friends.

• Unsolicited advice can leave us feeling irritated, shamed, or judged by others.

The irony of this post is that I'm giving advice, but I'm doing it in a space where people can choose to read or not read - it's my opinion, and I'm not going to force it on you, but I do want you to respect my boundaries.

I'm not anti-advice. I'm anti-unsolicited advice. I believe in community, support, shared wisdom, but only when it’s consensual (consent = important). So next time someone opens up to you, try listening before launching into problem-solving mode. Because at the end of the day, the best advice is the kind that’s invited in—not barging through the door like it owns the place. Don't take someone's agency or autonomy away by stepping over them.

Some things I've struggled with when it comes to unsolicited advice have been telling me how to handle my health issues, what I should be doing with my pets, how I express myself, how I cook or bake, how I dress, what makeup I should be wearing, and so on.

What's one piece of unsolicited advice that really grinds your gears? Let me know in the comments below.

Ash x