Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #2

TW: mental health topics discussed. Kia Ora friends! Happy Wednesday! I think I'm going to just get right into it and say I have been really struggling lately. I feel lost, stuck, depressed, like more than my normal depresso espresso amount, like seasonal affective disorder (SAD) depressed, and struggling to love myself, sorta thing. Melbourne is so dark, and to help me process stuff, writing helps, so here's another unfiltered thoughts log from me.

Previous Logs:

• Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #1 (14 min read)

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Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #2

It's currently 5:14 PM on Wednesday here in Melbourne, and yes, I am writing quite late because I haven't had a great few days, honestly, so my routine has been a bit all over the place. The sun has just gone down, and I can see a dark pink sky with a fluffy white cloud moving below that looks like a giant marshmallow. And that reminds me of the time I fainted at a retail job back in NZ, and I was given some pain k*llers, and I was a bit out of it and thought a dog was a marshmallow while being driven to the hospital. LOL. Anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right, back to what I can see out my window. Benji is asleep on the balcony, and it's almost dark outside. It gets so dark here so early. I need to bring him in before it gets too cold; he's lucky he's got a double coat!!

I honestly thought that the colder temperatures would be good for me, considering my excessive sweating and temperature dysregulation, but apparently not, because I am SO cold, even if I sweat. I was overheating all the time; now I'm freezing all the time. I've even started to get chillblains on my toes, and I haven't had chillblains since I was a kid! And even then, I would only get them on my fingers. GRR. I'm just going to assume that all this temperature dysregulation is due to the POTS stuff and all the unknown health stuff going on for me - yay for continued investigations into health /s.

I think what's also got me down is that last week I had some dental work done - 2 of my fillings needed fixing due to some damage, and we all know I have MAJOR trauma from the dentist previously. When I first moved to Melbourne, I had a dentist who did fillings without any anesthetic, and it was honestly the worst pain in the world. When I refused to continue, he said, "No, you can do it," and I've been left with nerve damage on the roof of my mouth that led to burning mouth syndrome because of that. If you want to know what that feels like, imagine burning your mouth with scaling hot burning water, and that's how my mouth feels a lot of the time (luckily, I've got meds for it now, but if I forget to take them, the pain is horrid). I didn't go to the dentist for ages. Anyway, I did find a new one, who is much better and always makes sure to give me an anesthetic - but last time the dentist accidentally burnt my tongue and cut my lip (all was forgiven as it healed pretty fast). Anyway, I had 2 fillings on Friday afternoon, and whatever anesthetic was used this time really lingered in my body (I think). Everything else was looking good, though and apparently, I've got barely any buildup in my mouth, so I'm happy about that!!

So yeah, I guess I've been struggling a lot this week. Luke (my partner) always tells me that healing isn't linear, and sometimes things aren't as perfect as a graph only going up, sometimes it's a graph going up/down/up/down and so on. I like the saying progress is progress. I just feel so lost in life right now. I feel neglected, sad, lonely, like I'm a bad person and that the world might be better off without me, and that's not a good way to feel. I also really don't know if I am going in the right direction in life.

I am scared to reach out for help because last time I did, I was gaslit by someone close to me who just was like, "Well, how do you think I feel?" All I was asking was for support (DW, it wasn't Luke). So I feel guilty even reaching out to anyone. I have my therapist, but they obviously can only do so much. And I don't wanna be a burden on anyone. Last night I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life, and I just tried to rock myself back and forth and pet Benji - his floof is very calming, and he always sits with me if he sees me panicking/going into a bit of PTSD mode. Sometimes it feels like I take a step forward, then two steps back or whatever the saying is, but I've got to keep reminding myself that progress is progress and healing isn't linear. I just have to keep going.

There's so much that I want to do in life, like travel, live by the beach, see a bloody aurora (because I haven't had much luck there yet), write more, eat more food, cook more, see more sunrises and sunsets, and read more. And see whatever the heck happens in Severance!!! Oh my gosh, so much to do and so much to learn!! What if we discover a new colour and only some people can see it? I wanna be around for that.

Speaking of travel, we have our big trip to Canada coming up, and I feel a bit anxious about it. We're off on the 3rd of August. Logically, I know everything will be fine, but that niggling anxiety feeling is a b*tch. So far, the only thing we've done is book our flights. There are so many accommodation options, and it feels overwhelming, but the plan is to stay in Richmond, Vancouver, for the first couple of nights just to reset from the flight and take some pretty pictures around that area, then catch the ferry over to Vancouver Island, where my friend lives and spend a week there. Apparently, a great place to see birds is Beacon Hill Park and The Buchart Gardens (dw, you'll get a travel guide later in the year). I have already started my bird memorising thing, but I think I need to get a Canadian bird book. I like knowing all the birds!!! I'm going to have to get a wildlife book, but I'm really looking forward to seeing hummingbirds and maybe mute swans for the first time in my life. Oh, and my friend suggested a ghost tour, which sounds awesome and is on my goals list for 2026. Then we'll spend a week in downtown Vancouver, basically just sightseeing, going to all the cool places, and eating lots of yummy food. Grouse Mountain is on my must-do list, too, because there are bears!!!!! I love bears.

So, things that we need to do before we go are (I hope this list doesn't get longer lol):

• Sort any travel vaccines we may need (like flu shot, covid booster) + get a letter from my GP for my meds! I have booked my appt with my GP, so I am hoping this will be super easy.

• Book accommodation x 3 (+ sort where we will leave our luggage on the last day, as our flight is so late).

• Sort the visa we need (which I think is super quick, and you only need to do it like 72 hours before travel).

• Sort which travel card to get/use (let me know any recs - I've heard that Wise/Revolut are good?)

• I want to sort my wardrobe and take some nice clothes for Instagram travel photos, but also not take too many clothes, and hope we can find a place with either a laundromat service/self-use washing machine. I'm trying to tell myself that if we can't, we can always wash stuff the old-fashioned way.

• Make a rough plan of what days we are doing what activity (only rough though because I don't wanna be strict).

• Celebrate Luke's 30th - I'll talk about this more below**

• Make sure Benji is sorted to stay with Luke's family for the 3 weeks we're away.

• Make sure our house has been deep cleaned/organised for an inspection if we get it before we go/while we're away.

** Re Luke's 30th birthday, he's celebrating at a pub with 2 of his mates for a combined 30th sometime at the start of July, so big party there. His birthday is the 17th of June, so I'm guessing we'll probably go out for dinner. He's also doing a big run in July. Oh my god, there's so much going on.

And the last thing I wanted to end this blog on, because maybe I'll talk about it in a Freaky Friday Files sometime, but today I was watching a YouTube video about unsolved mysteries -yes, because that calms me for some reason (I'm just a girl). Something popped up in this video, which was about the Virgin Blue Terminal at Melbourne Airport - and there was a day in 2005, where randomly people would feel nauseous, dizzy, and just faint. Kinda like a domino effect. It was only in the Virgin Blue Terminal, and people assumed there was some sort of gas leak, but no detectors found any evidence of gas, a leak or any other toxins in the air. Lots of people were sent to the hospital, but ultimately it was ruled as a mass hysteria event. I'm not sure if it was mass hysteria due to concerns about toxins at the time, or if it was mass hysteria caused by all the people coming in and getting sick. I wonder how the people who got sick feel. What a weird event. Interesting how people can affect other people - does this relate to collective consciousness? Hmm.

Anyway, I am going to go and look at my plan for Canada now! I hope you have had a lovely day, and I didn't dampen your mood too much reading this.

Much love,

Ash xx