Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #3

Hello! Happy Tuesday!! I can't believe it's June already, oh my gosh. Today I had my final appointment with the exercise physiologist, and thank f*ck for that, it's been a journey, so I thought I'd do another unfiltered thoughts log for ya'll. Previous Logs:

• Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #1 (14 min read)

• Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #2 (7 min read)

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Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #3

My mind has been racing a lot all day with things I need to get done, and I have been procrastinating stuff, but in good news, I have some of Luke's birthday presents sorted for next Wednesday (he turns 30, so it's a big one). I am finally sitting down at my laptop at 3:26 PM on Tuesday, the 9th of June (idk why I need to write that, pretty sure the blog says when the posts are written anyway, haha).

I was really worried that today I was going to be super grumpy post-appointment, but I am actually okay today. It was the first appointment I didn't come out of bawling my eyes out, and the exercise physiologist was actually nice to me today. We went over basically everything we've been doing, and she actually respected a boundary when I said, "I'm more comfortable sharing this with my psychologist," she didn't push (I was impressed because usually she does push/is kinda mean - like the whole binge eating/ED saga, oh my gosh). She also taught me something today - the difference between self-care and self-love. The examples she used (out of context, so it might sound a bit weird) are saying maybe you have chicken for dinner - that's self-care because it's decent protein, but self-love would be to add in herbs and spices or spend more time cooking the chicken. I do get what she means here, but I love my herbs and spices, so we always put them on stuff, haha. Anyway.

Another example of self-care she used was washing your face, and the self-love version of that would be to add in an extra step, like exfoliating or doing eyebrows. She also offered for me to book a follow-up appointment in 2 months, and I was like "nah, I need a break", and we left it at that. I'm very glad she didn't push for that because we are away and it's so expensive, haha. I was also worried she was going to tell me that I didn't know my body very well, but she actually said the opposite, and she was like, "It's very rare that we get patients whose fatigue and PEMS go down", and I have improved, but I think it's been from a combination of factors LOL. Some of her advice and some of what I've made my own - like coconut water rather than salty water. She didn't even get mad at me when I said I added core exercises to my strength training (core = strong heart, so I don't know why she doesn't focus on that more). Weird, anyway, thank f*ck for that being over!! I definitely do need a break, so when I see my GP next week, I am going to ask if we can push out seeing a rheumatologist till after August, when we get back, because I just wanna chill out and live my life right now while I'm going okay.

Medical fatigue is real. Oh, and one last thing about the EP, she FINALLY believed me when I said I didn't have an ED. Only took 8 sessions, but f*cking finally. I did look into complaining, but you have to have irrefutable proof, which I don't have, and I think my energy and time would be better spent on other things.

In other news, Luke's parents are back from Europe, and they gave us some cute little presents - I got a perfume, some clogs, and a little dog statue. Luke got a cuckoo clock, some cologne, and a cheese slicer thing - that got stopped at customs in Hong Kong because of the blade, haha. So after I edit this next vlog, no more Benji and Frankie content for a while!

Speaking of content, I do plan on adding more photos to my shop eventually. It's looking a little bare at the moment, but I'd love to add some shots from Canada there, too. Let me know in the comments what you would like to see/purchase. It doesn't even have to be a photo - it could be an ebook or some sort of course (let me know what you would like). I wonder if I can add a poll here? YAY, the poll worked!!

What would you like to see in my shop?

• 0%Digital download prints of Canada photos
• 0%An ebook version of my dreams
• 0%A fictional ebook (like mystery/thriller genre)
• 0%Some sort of course (like photography tips/writing tips)

See All Results

You can vote for more than one answer.

I've also been struggling with my mental health quite badly lately, lots more panic attacks than normal, as I've discussed previously in other blogs and my email newsletter. I am trying my best here. The sunshine is very helpful!! And CBT, ERP, and EMDR are good techniques to use.

I also feel like I am finally getting over the dental work I had done, my mouth is back to normal, and my headaches are slowly easing off. I do feel a bit stressed because I was asked to do Luke's cake, and when I said no at first, I was pushed further, but I think his parents are sorting it out. I don't really know, it's a bit stressful to organise all that stuff when I have so many things going on. AHHHHHH. I also tend to drop things a lot, so putting me in charge of picking up a cake isn't a good idea (sorry). I know for a fact I will 1000% drop a cake, and I just don't have the energy to bake one. I know it was sh*t last time I made a weird blue icing cake.

This blog post feels like it's all over the place and has no structure, and that's quite an accurate representation of my brain right now. I feel like I'm trying to learn as much about Canada as I can before we go, so I can be knowledgeable about stuff when we get there, instead of ignorant, haha. I learned that Victoria, BC, has snakes, and none of them are poisonous, so I am looking forward to seeing some cute snakes if we can find any! I think some are poisonous on the mainland. I've only ever spotted 2 in Melbourne. But like if you don't disturb the snakes, they won't disturb you.

Tonight, Luke and I will be watching Masterchef, The Cheap Seats, and maybe some episodes of The X-Files if we get time - although it's getting kinda late now, so we'll see. We're also going to make chicken katsu on rice for dinner, delish! Speaking of The X-Files, here's a funny meme of Mulder and a cat.

I feel like usually I have way more to say in these blogs, but I'm going to end on a few fun facts for you!

• Koalas fingerprints are VERY similar to people's fingerprints - and they have these most likely due to the ability to grasp onto things. Same with gorillas and chimpanzees.

• Ants can tell the difference between butter and margarine, and they always choose the butter!!

• When brushing your teeth, it's better to spit out the toothpaste, but not rinse your mouth (as the toothpaste keeps working).

• Angelina Jolie has a pilot's licence!

• For a long time, Iceland was the ONLY country in the world without mosquitoes. Scientists have since found some there, and now I think Antarctica might be the only place, due to its harsh conditions.

Thank you for reading! Don't forget to vote in the poll on what you'd like to buy from me!!!

Much love,

Ash xoxo