Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #7
TW: mental health topics discussed, OCD, intrusive thoughts, etc. Reader discretion advised.
Hi friends! Happy Wednesday! I have a lot going on in my brain right now, so I thought we could do another daily blog unfiltered thoughts log. Welcome to Log #7.
Previous Logs:
Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #1 (14 min read)
Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #2 (7 min read)
Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #3 (5 min read)
Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #4 (7 min read)
Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #5 (7 min read)
Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #6 (5 min read)
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Unfiltered Thoughts: Log #7
Intrusive Thoughts vs Logical Thoughts
On my walk this morning with Benji and Luke, I was thinking about how lately I have been struggling with horrible intrusive thoughts more than I usually do. Most people get intrusive thoughts, and they come and go, and sometimes we end up focusing on them and getting anxious or partaking in OCD-related behaviours. Anyway, lately my intrusive thoughts have been so horrible and SO much more illogical than I've had in the past, and I don't know if that's because of me coming off my medication, new medications, or just a symptom of anxiety/OCD in general. Like, for example, yesterday, Luke went to the shop down the road to grab something, and he had been gone for 7 minutes, and the intrusive thought I had was, "omg, what if he doesn't come back? What am I going to do if he goes missing?" At the same time, I had a logical thought, "It's literally down the road; it's not like anything will happen to him, and I shouldn't actually start worrying until a decent amount of time has passed". Logically, I know how dumb the intrusive thought is and that it doesn't make sense, but these thoughts are coming more often than they used to, and I'm having trouble letting them go, even when I try. In the past, I've used techniques like the "leaves on a stream" sort of thing to let the thoughts float away, but I've had a bit of trouble with that lately.
I'm also aware that trying to solve the intrusive thought isn't good either. I like to read a lot, so I know a lot of the advice says that if you do try to solve the intrusive thought, your brain takes it as an important signal and then focuses more on the intrusion. Gah, I feel like I can't win sometimes.
CBT and ERP are really helpful, but honestly, why are things getting so much worse right now? Like yesterday, I had thoughts of "everyone hates me" or "they must not like me anymore because they didn't message me" or whatever. 1) We don't have to know what everyone thinks of us, and 2) If people really didn't like me, surely they would tell me, right? I also had a strange thing happen on my birthday the other day where someone showed me a photo of a cat that got put down - like they pulled me away from the group to show me, and then when I called them out on saying that on my birthday, they said: "Well, I wouldn't get a chance to tell you if I didn't tell you now". But who goes out of their way like that to say something to purposefully upset someone on their birthday, and like, are they never going to see me again? I don't think that's normal behaviour. It just pisses me off writing about it now. All I wanted to do was enjoy my birthday, and I was shown a picture of a d*ad cat, and now I'm sad, and I cried all the way home because of it. Like, that's not okay.
Anyway, I just feel so alone right now. I don't know how to get out of this funk I'm in. I am starting to feel like I am a bad person and don't deserve a happy life.
31st Birthday!
Moving on to a bit of a happier topic now, Luke and I had a lovely day on my birthday on Monday. Luke took the day off, and we dropped Benji off at Luke's parents' to spend the day with them and Frankie. Benji also woke us up really early for some reason haha!
Luke and I went into the city for lunch at Humble Rays in Carlton (great food and I left feeling really satisfied), then we went to Melbourne Museum where we saw so many cool things - I love the taxidermy rooms and also the cool animals outside. We saw some cool birds - an Eastern Whipbird, Tawny Frogmouth, and Bower Bird. And I made friends with a lizard.
We then walked around the city for a bit and found a pastry shop to try, and had a look at the Myer Christmas window. It's Toy Story 5-themed this year, but I found it a bit disappointing (although later we were told that apparently there are Easter Eggs in there from other movies, but we didn't pay enough attention). Having a little bit more energy, I want to explore more of Melbourne's CBD, as I feel like there's always something new to find every time you go into the city. Please let me know of any hidden gems in Melbourne that I can go explore!
We had dinner at Luke's parents' house, which was dosa, and chocolate cake for dessert. As Luke and I had done over 20K steps, I was exhausted by the time we got home.
Other News
In other news, I've been doing my best to keep up with my clean eating (with the exception of my birthday), my strength training and my steps. I just want to be happy and healthy and have as much energy as I used to.
I also fell off the bed last night, and I tweaked the muscle where my armpit is in my right arm, and I've been in so much pain, so I don't think I'll be able to lift with my arms, so maybe I can focus on leg days a bit more this week. I want to find the humour in it, but at the moment, it just hurts.
Oh, Benji got a silly new hat too! And we took him to a different park on Sunday in Coburg, so Benji had a little bit of fun there.
Anyway, that's all that's in my brain right now, so I hope you enjoyed another unfiltered thoughts log from me!
Much love,
Ash xx
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